My Top 5 Players + 1 Sleeper (Rejected Grantland.com app!)

[Last week, Grantland.com held a writing contest to find their next prospective Fantasy Football writer. Basically, you had to write, in 750 words or less, an article about your Top 5 Players, along with one sleeper pick. They wanted some personality, they wanted some stats, they wanted pizzazz! … They just didn’t want me! So here’s my attempt, and hopefully, you’ll enjoy it more than they did! — DG]

Every single season, every single draft and every single week, my D-bag brother-in-law Schmitty rips my Fantasy Football knowledge to pieces.

He’s THAT guy in your league. He’s the Elvis of A-holes.

Schmitty would make you feel bad about the birth of your firstborn (“Seems kinda short, no?”) or winning the lottery (“The ‘one percent’ just got a whole lot fatter, am I right!?!”)

The year Tom Brady threw 50 touchdown passes, Schmitty made sure he traded for Randy Moss midseason, just so he could bust my chops about how he gets two more points per TD than Brady.

When I told him I was trying to become a Grantland.com Fantasy Football Writer, he let out a hearty laugh, slapped me on the back and said, “Yeah, explain to all the readers your strategy for backing into the playoffs every season!”

Then he insisted on being allowed a rebuttal for each piece of my advice.

As much as I’d love to kick him out of our league – and shove him into oncoming traffic – my wife says I can’t.

My Top 5 Players for 2012

1. Ray Rice, RB, Baltimore

You want a guy that’s resilient and durable with that first overall pick, and that’s Rice. Sure, Foster might get more Fantasy PPG, but Rice hasn’t missed a game in over three years. The Ravens’ passing attack will ratchet up this season, which really doesn’t hurt Rice. Only one other RB was thrown to more than him last season (6.5 targets per game).

Schmitty says: “Well, that didn’t take you too long to suck. Rice is due to break down, just like your belt. This reminds me of the day my sister screwed up her No. 1 overall pick on her wedding day.”

2. Arian Foster, RB, Houston

As much as I like Rice, I’d be ecstatic to end up with Foster. He’s young, has great hands and an outstanding offense built around him. His offensive line has taken a hit, which could hurt their continuity early on, but that shouldn’t deter you from taking the most exciting player in the NFL.

Schmitty says: “The most exciting player in the NFL goes second? Smart. If you were in a one-team league, you’d miss the playoffs. Draft Foster in Round 1; take Ben Tate in Round 7; pop the champagne in Round 8 – or in your case, pop the Slim-Fast.”

3. LeSean McCoy, RB, Philadelphia

Nobody dives into a crack in the line for extra yardage like Shady. His quickness is unmatched and he’s the closest thing this generation has to Terrell Davis. The third overall pick is the best one to own because you’ll get one of these three RBs.

Schmitty says: “I think I’m going to call you “Shady” from now on. You’re like a walking eclipse. I like McCoy third, too, but it hurts to agree with you.”

4. Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee

Things come unraveled after the third pick, and questions abound. I’ll take a recharged, recommitted CJ2K for 2012 over any other post-top-three player.

Schmitty says: “Whew, you made another dumb call. Order is restored in the universe! You’re going to take a guy that barely hit the 1,000-yard rushing mark, ranking 14th overall, with four rushing TDs? Aaron Rodgers > Chris Johnson. Box of rocks > David Gonos.

5. Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay

He’s no Brett Favre – he’s better (in fantasy, at least). My only problem with taking Rodgers higher is that there are just so many good quarterbacks available that you end up hurting yourself at other positions in order to take the best QB.

Schmitty says: “You are to Fantasy Football what Lady Gaga is to fantasy football. You’re telling people to take Rodgers fifth overall, eh? That might be tough considering he’ll be gone fourth overall in every draft. Should we also sell our houses before the housing market crashes?”

Sleeper: Josh Freeman, QB, Tampa Bay

He finally has some weapons in the passing game with Doug Martin, Dallas Clark and Vincent Jackson joining the Bucs this spring. He lost 25 lbs. and has recommitted himself after a horrible third year in the league. He’s an excellent last non-K/DST pick.

Schmitty says: “The Bucs suck. Josh Freeman sucks. And you suck. Freeman is like the cute, child actress that grows up to be a wicked ugly broad. Like Macaulay Culkin.”

… and with the first pick of the 2012 Fantasy Dickhead Draft, I select Schmitty.